just when u think that breaks have done you in...

I tried to poison myself but lost the gall at the last moment...
As i gazed into the contents of the plastic cup that would end my misery on
earth - I wondered...

Perish the thought or at least keep it somewhere safe until u're really sure you need to...

Issue at hand:
My girlfriend feels that I may be losing interest in her or maybe she "thinks" I am having an affair with some other gal... as a result of my inability to call or communicate.
I couldn't actually stop laughing when she mentioned this - infact it still tickles my gall just to think about it - maybe it's God's way of cheering me up...

The truth is that I have been very insensitive to her. For some reason, I can't seem to get my self fired up enough to call her. Imagine that!
I want to lay the blame squarely at the feet of a lack of "gainful" employment but maybe the reason runs deeper - alot deeper than I am ready to admit.
I worry and worry that she may dump me for some well off bloke and maybe I'm the one leading her down that pathway of choice...

How long can a woman endure?

I'm in a runt and desperately need to get out - distance doesn't help the issue...
This is the Gal I plan to marry - Isha Allah...

later dudes...

A pissing contest - to see who got "PISSED" off...

My finger are freezing and yet - i'm still pounding on the keyboard trying to delude myself...

Self Check:

1. Still sitting at home with my ass glued to a chair trying to figure out a way forward.
2. Reading the preferred newspaper (Guardian), especially on tuesdays and thurdays for the provential "JOB VACANCY"
3. Hating myslef every minute of the day but what else is new?
4. My attempts at pulling myself out of the "ditch" is yielding mixed results - somedays i feel like I am on top of my game, other days I feel like my game has crushed the ideals out of me...
5. I'm still (believe this or not) trying to get my SH*T straight and I know that I'm getting there (even though it's not as fast as I would want)
6. Re-invented myself through my resume, my hope is that some dwib will notice although the statistics are not very encouraging but this is Nigeria - encouraging is winning the lotto!

I still believe in the soverignty of free enterprise - I don't see Nigeria or myself progressing any other way...
But my ideals and thoughts are taking a very sound thrashing and I'm suddenly not so cocky anymore...
As u must have gathered from my last post - my cybercafe (hence my job) closed down last week and I feel like it's all my fault and that I gave up on it...
I'm still trying to come to grips with it and although I can blame many factors, I refuse to because I believed that i could have made the difference, if I had tried to - the question is, did I?

I was walking around last nite, (NEPA had as usual made their point of view abundantly clear) trying to get any cool breeze to caress my heat rash filled skin and thinking when my sister puts in an appearance and she says something about us "dreamers" - the word filled me with a certain rage because I want to be a "Do-er" not a "dreamer".

Action begets reaction - dreams beget what??????

With these few words, I must depart from u denziens with a hope to be back...
(what else do I have to live for?)

Ciao

once again uncertainty looms and i'm as usual in the thick of it...

To comment on myself would yield an essay of one who isn't too happy with his exsistence and current direction in life....
I'm trying to jump off a cliff (of my own making) ! In this stage called life i'm sometimes at liberty to wonder if i'm not the butt of some joke of a cosmic origin!

Sorry - that was starting off all wrong.
The premise of this writeup is as usual the new mess that i'm currently embroiled in...
My major job went up in smoke last week thursday and i now have so much free time on my hands it should be branded as illegal. For a young man in Nigeria, (not so young as attested to by the discovery of a single one white hair strand among the grays and blacks) it amounts to admitting to being gainfully UNEMPLOYED - a definite No-No....

I'm currently trying to sort the tatters of my life in a definite direction and one new direction is at www.afrochild.com (check it out if and when you can and do pls register!)
I'm supposed to be in charge of marketing and sometime i wonder - (when i can't even market myself) as to the wisdom of that choice...
I appear to have a problem of too much talk and ideas and too little steam to implement.

Anyway on a not so negative note - things are slowly taking shape: I've been invited to take part in a research project as a research assistant for about three months, the problem is i don't know when they plan to start...
I'm also currently engaged in the afrochild project and maybe i can look forward to alot of activities unravelling as time goes on...

Just wanted to check in - i mean what would it say of me when I can't even write regularly anymore....

regards folks