New year and the looming expectations.

There is something to be said about the coming of a new year. The first set of feelings tends to be optimism and then as the days progress - the old patterns emerge and perhaps it becomes very much business as usual.

Then operative word here is "perhaps" and I use the word here very loosely.

The new year is seem as a fresh start but the actual renewal begins in our hearts and minds. The cautious optimism is not something that should constitute a "one hit wonder" but rather a series of continuous actions with the decided outcome of creating new opportunities and directions in our lives.

Last year was a year filled with learning and other worthwhile chances. This year brings forth consolidation and other benefits but still we are all required to think out of our respective comfort zones and make changes in our methods of execution. Less delays and more action.

We cannot stay the same course and expect different outcomes.

We cannot continue with old patterns and expect new outcomes.

If something has to change it should begin wih us and us alone.

I am thankful to GOD for the many opportunities to learn and for the transformations set to occur.

Only october...

Maybe i should just wait...

There are alot of what-if's... What if I was super-rich? What if I was dirt poor? What if I was a rodent (that particular fantasy always frightened me - because i have been privy to how people treat those that are unfortunately caught)

Anyway - I'm particularly glad that i have survived one full month in the cesspool of employment.
It pays the bills - and then some... But you're left to the mercy of the faceless entity who determines where, whom and why... If the faceless entity could be pinned to a face - you'd have a target for all the bile and frustration that comes with paid employment...

I'm beginning for instance to settle into this stage of "conformance - with norms".
I guess it happens to alot of people out there - it means that pretty soon, after working for two to three years (which zooms by pretty quickly) you start to feel the bug and pressure of age...
Questions abide in your mind (Am I where i should be? Am I successful as compared to my mates? is my family well catered for - for those who are married...)

The list is endless - meanwhile, time is gently inching by - one day you wake up and you have three children, a job that feels stifling, a morgage and a paycheck that barely covers the ink that wrote it...

Imagine despair...

The case reminds me of a tale:

A man went out and drank himself into the bottle...
Stoned and drunk to the extreme - he miraclously stumbled home and fell into bed - on waking up he sees a stange face and asks - who the heck are you?
the reply: I'm your wife!
he ponders the answer and then refrains - I must be having a nightmare and promptly goes back to sleep....

Moral: Reality is hard on the senses...

That said - we're in the last day of the month - 31st October - you may chose to review the month and note what happened, where you went wrong, what you did and didn't do?

We're entering the last lap of the year - novbember is a wind down month and december's just a flag point to indicate that you've survived till the end of the year...

So what else is new?

Seeming Questions of the moment

It is...
Haunting and filled with the burden of my mistakes. Soaked in the nectar of a heaviness that defies words. I am certain it will pass. Like the day and the night before.

I face the guilty but I am as much their accuser as their colleague. For i am the guilty as well as the victim. I question my sense of worth because i am focused on it being acknowledged externally - when internally i cannot accept myself.

I question my decisions and perhaps in the light of my mood - it too will pass.
The sense pervades my being that i have been stumbling from one mistake to another - a victim of other's interference but really my choice and actions.

The fact that i depend on others is considered my one undoing. For how can i control the outcome if I am always seemingly unconcerned on one hand or paranoid in my worry on the other.

How can i truly reach the zenith of my development and evolution if I fear the shadows or the depth of despair that I could sink to? How can I truly know?

I feel a vulnerability that places me squarely in the driver's seat. I sense that underneath the struggles lies a frightened boy.

There is really no other way but to face these challenges and see them to their logical end.

When people twist words to suit their needs - to divert their guilty they point fingers in the wrong direction. They paint colors that are not true on the canvas of opportunity.

....

Our SELF stuggles

You know all too well you're human. When pain temporarily makes a place in your heart its home. When love songs take on a peculiar special meaning and you TRULY understand the lyrics. When you carry a weight that feels like a bolder sitting on your chest. When your emotions feel like the tides that surge and crest - calm one moment and turbulent the next.

It reminds me typically of when i decide to champion my vanity towards looking fit and embracing exercise yet again. The initial scream of pain and discomfort that your body goes through in the quest for transformation ONLY to be reminded by the PAIN that the change is indeed taking place. I have come to love that PAIN because of what it represents in the long run towards my quest.

That is the same PAIN felt by everyone whose heart takes a beating. The same can be said for the very fragile balance and the play of power that takes place underneath all relationships. There is always a struggle of self to impose itself over someone or something. In matters of the heart - the head and the heart rarely ever agree. There are typically causalities and it is the heart

I thrive for these feelings that as usual prove that i'm alive and well and still stuck on this plane of mortal living called earth.

While looking at the mirror today - I came across something in my mental ramblings within myself:
The fact that you're alive today means that whatever was out to get you yesterday FAILED.

That sentiment proved to be a very strong reminder of how our struggles and clashes take a toll on us. I am reminded how when the heart wars with the ego - the heart tends to come out bruised.

It is our need to retain the individual state called "I".

In today's world - the "I"s have become a powerful corporation governed by self and self alone.

In most engagements or relationships that i pursue - I play for the commonality that all of us as human beings share. While this will not always ring true with someone else - there are those rare times when perhaps two individuals see beyond the state of "I" that each tries hard and valiantly to protect.
The best parts of a new relationship are typically the beginning or should i say the period of discovery when ever it may occur because there is so much flexibility on both sides until the wish lists start to  make an appearance.

I admire the sense of struggle that seems to go into everything worth having.
Life, Love, Friendship, Sense of Worth, Happiness etc

I however mostly admire a human being who seeks to go where others will rarely go - putting them selves above the minor and petty dictates of fear and doubt to pursue what is indeed worth having.

Life should not always be about proving things to people who already doubt. Life should be about taking chances with the goal of making new frontiers.

Remember even a seed has to go through great strife to give birth to new life.

  

Pursuit is mostly perseverance and passion

It's been three months and six days since I left Lagos, Nigeria for Nairobi, Kenya and finally Lusaka, Zambia. While its immediately easy to see the differences - its quite exciting to see the similarities that Africans bring to the table.

There are vibes that every city gives off - Nairobi reminded me of Lagos - the traffic was almost a shock to discover. More than an hour from the airport to the hotel. Spent a few lunches in the same mall that was bombed and it reminded me how much terror has started to surface on the continent.
The mall has a new look and reconstruction taking place would have you believe that it never happened however the security checks and scans tell a very different story.

Now Lusaka...
That's a different kettle of fish. It has been two years since my last visit here around february or march of 2012 and so far there have been so many changes. A lot of new constructions, lots more traffic and cars but nowhere near the scale of Nairobi or Lagos.

Still the thing that makes this city unique are the people and their attitude - forever friendly and open. Polite and helpful. Not that this means that GOD has made his home here - GOD is of course everywhere but most times - we prefer to throw him out because he doesn't look or act like GOD.

Back to the story at hand...
I am here to find fortune and fame and as always - it requires a persistence bordering on lunacy. This is a forgiving land full of great promises but the seeming easiness masks a lot of work that needs to be done and followed through. The pace of life here is almost idyllic and tends to create the false illusion that there is alll the time in the world.

Three months later you suddenly realize that you're still standing almost at the same spot you were when you arrived. Suddenly you start to push for things to happen but at the back of your mind - you just have to believe in yourself even with the delays and hold ups - you require patience and trust that GOD always sees thing through if you're prepared to commit fully.

Business is somewhat a funny matter - it requires a commitment from us greater than what we are usually give - it forces us to commit more with less guarantees and every potential for failure. There are rarely an backups or fall back positions.

That's the excitement and the danger.
I have been at this for a almost one year and six months and frequently - I still question my sanity for wanting to exchange comfort and conformity for this danger.
But...
I realized that there is no other way to push for a fulfilled life - I would rather live a life that tried than one that simply stood by and wished.

I also came to more fully understand why people prayed in such situations.
The uncertainty and feeling that GOD or the FATES were playing  game a dice with you - ho things sometimes stood on the tip - threatening to collapse at every given moment. Sometimes you did your best and things simply didn't go through and other times - you didn't do anything and things came along.

These fates of ours and our role in them indicate so many variables - we may not control those variables but we can control our attitudes and reactions to them. It will also help us keep an open mind to ALWAYS search for possibilities

You can't do it if you don't believe in yourself and i what you're doing - you need to be passionate (like crazily passionate and persevere even when the odds look bad - rest if you must, restrategize if you will BUT never ever give up.)

The Future is always here and already exists in our minds

The last time i put up a post in this blog was more than a year ago and at that juncture i had formally made up my mind to risk the waters of self employment. I was awaiting my December 31st, 2012 deadline to say "adios" and Goodbye to the employment sector.
Between that time and now - a lot of water has passed under the bridge and it has been an adventure - one with mixed feelings and if honestly asked if i would do it again - I would probably hesitate before i gave my answer.

On one hand, questions like "are you mad?" and "what the hell do you think you're doing?" rang through my mind like a bell tolling in the silence of the early morning. It shatters peace and often brings the battle of ideals to the forefront. The core aspect that really scared me was the loss of financial certainty (that dependency on a fixed income salary that would keep coming so far i "met" my employment obligations and while of course the company was still "solvent")
I was repeatedly question by former colleagues about my plans and if i had gotten "employment" else where - the answer was very much "No" but they couldn't as of yet understand why I would take such a seemingly foolish of stupid decision.

Fast forward to the present day - By this time I have survived more than my first year in the jungle of self employment and moving into the second and i will tell you a plain and honest truth - it isn't exactly like the movies.

There are those lingering moments of doubt and self re-cremation, there are those conversations that can now take place without the the undue influence of frustration and anger or even despair. Sometimes when i start to have money worries  - just at the verge of lashing out at myself - I remember the ideals of why i started out this journey.
When I talk with any of my former colleagues - they still ask the same questions; as if they want confirmation that it isn't as frightening and vicious as they feared. Alas our values in life and our fears or aspirations takes us in different paths.

I have one fundamental objective and that is to give life to my ideas and mental aspirations in one form or another either independently or part of a collective that shares the same aspirations.
I was tired of burying them or passing them over to meet conformance in the "work-place".

The more i stayed, the more i saw, the more frustrated i became and one of my key realisations was that the organisation does not have the employees best interests at heart.
The core requirement is to generate and sustain profit levels through any legal means possible.

While I have no illusions or misgivings of how i was used or how i used elements of the system; i soon came to realise that there is no real long term plan for people who chose to remain in such a system.
The current economic trend does not even guarantee a long career or the associated benefits that used to be part of the retirement benefits of our fathers and their fathers before them.

My choice was to strike out on my own while there was still time and youthful vigour to actively pursue my aspirations. The result is an involvement in various companies and initiatives in one capacity or another over the last two years. There will always be new things that catch my fancy and i will always pursue what i consider to be parallel interests so far a chance of intersecting might occur.

I am a strong advocate of a service platform - this addresses the various needs of people, clients and businesses and once such a need exists; the opportunity to earn an income by bridging or meeting that need is also available.

I saw the future and i believed in it well enough to take a chance or risk in pursuing it. I abandoned safety of paid employment and staked the part of myself in need of security. Learning is paramount and I will continue to update myself with new facts and details.

The future rewards foresight and courage and while it is easy and SAFE to stay with the majority; when an upheaval comes - you will still be forced to learn the lessons you denied yourself. 

The Future begins from the simple seeds of a dream and the exciting journey that unfolds with equal parts of the good, bad and ugly will shape us into who we become and what gifts we offer to the world now and in the near future.

What is in this thing called life

The crowd does not always cheer wildly. Sometimes there is no crowd to begin with. Just you and those seeming insecurities that plague our thoughts. It seems like so many things rising up to overwhelm and scuttle our dreams but that's life - its a teacher that prefers the often rough and rugged route to impact you with the best learning opportunity BUT only if you chose to see it that way.

It has always been about perspective and attitudes. perspective could be likened to a viewpoint - the better it is the more of a larger area you can see and perhaps it also helps in the decision making process (don't ask me how). Your attitude is the rocket propellant that will see you through the various stages - the rough patches as well as the smooth.

But yet there is more...
Sometimes we feel we have been singled out for special punishment - we may even feel that we do not deserve it and maybe that's true as well.
So many sudden events befall you - death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a relationship breakup, a business loss - its all out there and sometimes it can push us dangerously close to our breaking points.

That's when we are tempted to throw in the towel and yell from the top of our lungs: I Give Up!

However that's when you shouldn't give up - that's precisely the point when you should ask - why all this effort to discourage me?
(if you knew the answer then there would be no need for this missal now would there?)

Life is a game show - it is its own reality.
Life is human's attempting to make sense of the maze that they find themselves in - self made mazes and other mental conditioning and trappings. Life is course with its set of rules on how to play and what to do.

Life is what we make of it but that depends on how we think doesn't it?
How much of life is made up and how much is real depends on a large extent to how we see it and how we react to its various ploys and plays.

It will make us sad, angry, frightened, afraid, fearful, joyful, ecstatic, passionate, humbled, exalted, confident, love, hate, dislike, arrogant, disdainful, spiteful and vengeful and yet these are mere reactions - our reactions to life and all that it throws our way.

A man only truly knows or understands life if he sees the REAL big picture.
This REAL big picture is simply this: we are all interconnected and interrelated in this journey - every action and reaction has a seeming impact on the life, fate and fortune of others directly or indirectly.

Do not be weary because you can still make a difference to someone. Smile and focus on those little joys - your life is not merely a sum total of your failures or successes - it is a sum total of the impact of our collective actions and the long lasting benefits it has brought to others who may not be connected to you directly.

We are all a part of life - as life is all a part of us.

Life's Road Map - An Elixir of Wealth

I have found the elixir of wealth...
*Pauses to savour the ensuring silence that prevails.*

Everyone seems to have ideas and everyone thinks they may just luck it out but the truth is that it was never a secret to begin with - it was there all along hiding in plain sight.

I remember an adage that goes (and this is me paraphrasing of course so I don't expect you to get your knickers in a twist if It doesn't come out the right way...) the best way to hide something is to conceal it in plain sight - that's the first place where NO one will think to look.

Alas that's the same principle that has been at work with man - we always think that the more complex an issue/idea is the surer the answers and that form of thinking is what causes many brains and brain cells to heat up and boil away into mist.

Wealth, power and fortune are all principles.
They can be learnt and applied judiciously and the best way to do this is to look at people who are successful and emulate them - THAT'S IT!

There is no need re-inventing the wheel; even though that form of learning has its own advantages but in the long run - there is the loss of precious time (another scare resource that is gradually corroded away).

Stand on the shoulders of giants as often as you can and gain the perspective needed to see the bigger picture.
Solve the problem of the rat race - that mindless run that convinces you that your effort is the key to success.

While you're on it here's another adage thrown in for free: Work Smarter; Not Harder!
Why you ask?
Because results are rewarded NOT effort.

Don't spend time wishing - spend time dreaming.
After fixing your focus on those dreams - WORK to actualize them - use as reference people who have done something similar - by all means borrow ideas and concepts as often as you can - evolve them to suit you plan but keep evolving with what already exists - proceed from the known to the unknown - one step at a time with an eye on the future where the reference of the past provides a sure foundation.

I hope that you go to bed today with a head full of dreams and wake up with eyes lit up with determination, focus and drive! Let your Future Start now.

Contemplations - ME, MINE

This is my birth month and perhaps I didn't get all my wishes granted but it has bought me some time to contemplate on what i want for myself...

I could possibly list all the positives that read like a Christmas list:
Wealth
Fame
Fortune (money by another name - notice the repetition)
A good Husband/wife (sub qualities included - beauty, charm, humour, creativity, passion etc)
Connections (social, emotional and economic - notice the subtle reference again...)

In the end - it is really all about the good life and what I want for myself - who doesn't?

These are the broad requirements and if you really look at the list above - it probably reads like every other human's list on the face of the earth (with a few variations here and there of course)

The point is that we most of the time want the same things - however the specifics and the REAL requirements are rarely filled out...

So even though we think (operative word is think) we know what we want - we rarely have a clue of what WILL really make us happy or fulfilled...

To find the true purpose or meaning behind our lives - rendering service, giving hope, providing support, helping without the expectation of reward...

I've always been in the quest of finding a bigger meaning behind my life and what I can give back - what can I do that will outlive my life on earth as a legacy (not wealth and not momentary fame but a true long lasting legacy...)

I'll leave this idea to stew for awhile

ALL is NOT as it seems

You guys all know me (at least to a fair degree).

I'm not one to waste time doing posts that don't add some value in thoughts or actions. 

However I will draw the line at the means that some writers adopt of trying to "blackmail" people to send content to others. There is the gift of free will and anyone is entitled to use his/hers in anyway - i will not be made to feel guilty - I would instead prefer to be made to think and judge then exercise my own free will to act as my thoughts dictate.

I will thus share this message because it made me think and to consider that sometimes THINGS are not as they seem or WHAT they initially seem. There is more to this story.

This story was circulated and of course it means that I DID not write it nor do I make a claim to knowing who wrote it (if I knew the author i would share that fact with you)

I've said too much already - here it is - read and judge for your self what the morals are and if there is perhaps something you can learn beyond the seemingly simple story...

2 BEAUTIFUL STORIES TO SHARE

STORY 1

There was once this guy who was very much in love with his girl. 

This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of paper cranes as a gift to his girl.

Although, at that time he was just a small fry in his company, his

future didn't seem too bright, they were very happy together. 

Until one day, his girl told him she was going to Paris and will never come back. She also told him that she cannot visualize any future for the both of them, so they went their own ways there and then... 

Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regained his confidence, he worked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind just to make something out of himself.

Finally with all the hard work and the help of friends, this guy had 

set up his own company ..

Lesson no. 1  You never fail until you stop trying. 

One rainy day, while this guy

was driving, he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella in the rain walking to some destination. Even with the umbrella, they were still drenched. It didn't take him long to realize they were his girl's 

parents.

With a desire to get back at them, he drove slowly beside the 

couple, wanting them to spot him in his luxury sedan. He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same any more; he had his own company, car, condo, etc. He had made it! What he saw next confused him, the couple was walking towards a cemetery, and so he got out of his car and followed...and he saw his girl, a photograph of her smiling sweetly as ever at him from her tombstone and he saw his paper cranes right beside her... 

Her parents saw him. He asked them what had happened. They

explained, she did not leave for France at all. She had been ill with

cancer. She had believed that he will make it someday, but she did not want to be his obstacle or a liability to him... therefore she had chosen to leave him. 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. She had wanted her parents to put his paper cranes beside her, because, if the day comes when fate brings him to her again...he can take some of those back with him... 

Once you have loved, you will always love. For what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever. 

The guy just wept...The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting

right beside her knowing you can't have her, see her or be with her 

ever again.........

Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much to 

you, appreciate them for who they are because the opportunity may never present itself again. 

STORY 2

KINDNESS Pays ! 

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?" 

"You don't owe me anything," she replied 

"Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness." She said.... "Then I thank you from my heart." 

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger

physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. 

Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly (gynecology) was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. 

 From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the 

business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked 

at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her 

room.

She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her

life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught ; 

her attention on the side as She read these words.....

"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Atmond Kelly. 

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, GOD, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands." 

Please note the comment below - this is the reason i disagree - people should make their choices of WHAT to do next. - These words below are not mine.

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NOW YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.

You can send this page on and spread a positive message or ignore it and pretend it never touched you

At the edge of the ropes

I seem to be very thoughtful these days - I'm reviewing my life alot and i must be candid - It doesn't feel so good to me with the garbage that I'm discovering. I guess some spring cleaning is needed - i need to take stock of myself, my life and my choices.

The year's still early but I figure it's never too early to start - 2011 has so many hidden surprises.
Great potential on all fronts.

I just concluded my appraisal for the last half of 2010 and it didn't look good - I guess the subjective judgement of the man who welds the big stick determines the final score and in this case this is not an adequate representation of me - this is someone trying to stick a label on me.

He says and I quote: this is not you - you can do better than this...

I've done a few "better things" and nothing came of it thus far -I've learnt my lesson (never expect praise for some good work - do it because you're interested and love what you do)

On the relationship front - there have been some major changes - I'm at the crossroads and i sense change in the near future.

This is me stating the obvious - I will be coming out of my corner with all intents to fight and I will not be taking any prisoners.

Good nite folks

2011 - The First day...

Its a new year - 2011. It feels like a script for a new movie.
I left my office yesterday and got home at about nine pm. The celebrations for the new year were gradually picking up some steam. Fireworks were going off in different directions. Meanwhile the threat of danger still ever present - as the Nigerian elections draw close, we start to notice how the bombs have become the new tool of choice - what in GOD's good name have we become....

back to the topic under discussion:
I was feeling a little down and decided that there was to be no mid-night service for me. I just wanted to be with myself and catch up on some ME time. I grabbed my bible after peeling off my clothes and kept it for standby duty... I wanted to do some introspection and define me for 2011.

I found a couple of interesting passages - a bit of genesis which spoke about the creation of man and woman.
Then i kinda drifted to proverbs where i read something that stuck: something about the bold man getting the rewards of his acts.

That was the moment: 2011 required BOLDNESS from me.
I would expand my horizon and GOD help this year - it had more to fear from me than I had to FEAR from it. This will be my coming out. This is where i make my stand.

Welcome 2011 - prepare to be subjugated and tamed.

I walk hand in hand with my GOD to face the unseen.

God bless you all

O! Christmas

Christmas and all it entails.
I'm in the office and most of the work force has dissolved into the ethers of the holiday mood. they have mostly left for home and I'm trying to catch up on my writing and provide skeletal support for any issues that may arise.

Tomorrow will be spent indoors after attending a church service and I hope to make myself as happy as i can afford to be. Perhaps a few glasses of red wine and the television.

To those of you out there I say: a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
God Bless you all!

Living my dream

I didn't wake up in a suite in Eko Le' Meridian - I didn't have a view of the ocean front nor see the rise of the sun in brilliant colors to denote the beginning of a new day. Instead, I woke up in a small room somewhere. I was buffeted by my own pool of sweat and the murky odors of a body drenched in its own effervescence.

Was i living my dream?
By a far cry no! But I had started in the right direction with so much ambition and hope. Four years down the line it is pretty easy to say that I have probably lost the thread of discussion.

It wasn't that i had or have given up - it was simply the feeling that time was peeling away from me and i could do little to catch up. Everywhere I look, I am exposed to success stories that show me that others are indeed living their dreams or in the mist of achieving it.

Don't get me wrong - we all see the other sides of the coin everywhere we go. But most don't focus on that side of the coin to begin with. We all want the flashing bulbs and the fame and success that comes with doing living the dream. Do we see the measure of preparation or the toils and suffering that are often hidden from view - these are probably the training fields that most go through during their rites of preparation.

There are so many ideas and dreams that have been nurtured with a full  view towards success. Even when one is aware of the requirements and one makes every effort to pay the dues - something utterly unplanned has to materialize and spoil it.

It is not for a lack of trying and yet I have squandered many dreams on the pathway towards my independence. I detest my working environment and my working conditions. I hate the seemingly unplanned and un-coordinated approaches.

I hate the fact that my decisions depend on others and that often times - we are simply following rules that are no longer valid in today's working environment.

I hate that my ideas are squandered and left to die and that I can seem to do nothing to change the outcome.
Where are my failings? What can I do to amend them. Where and how can i improve my situation that I no longer feel like a failure?

I no longer wish to live by the rules of the un-informed.
I wish to live my dreams here and now.

 

The Heart is a fragile thing

Wise words or just plain common sense - I would wager that it is plain common sense based on the hard hands of experience. Experience is a teacher that tends to leave a mark during your educational intern-ship.
If you learn your lesson well, you can avoid all such pit falls in the near future that she may have pointed out but if you set yourself up as a slouch, she can be very unforgiving and a punisher of the wrong choices.

We're always victims of ourselves and our emotions - sometimes you are the aggressor and other times, you're the victim. regardless of your role - we all have our turn in the playground.

Don't think that you can guard your heart and don't think that it is a foolish thing to love - where would we be without it? what would we be without it. It is the single purpose that GOD has kept in store for us - to discover the bounties of HIS love given freely and only requiring that we accept willingly. To equally learn to give this gift freely and openly is our sole purpose on earth.

Do i hear a scoff in the background (yeah, Right!)?
Well, I know I can't force the idea on you and it would be meaningless for me to try - I have much better things to do with my time - I will however advice that your skepticism be reviewed.

We live to love - it is a primary function and purpose of our lives and it doesn't matter what we love - it just matters that we loved and that it changed US as well as the object of our vast affections. It provides drive, purpose and a meaning to our existence.

Like everything else in our lives, we have attempted to master this elusive emotion - imposing upon it some sort and measure of control. It was not meant to be controlled or measured. It was meant to be experienced and felt. It is not always pure when we do give in to its lull but at least we can say we felt that sense of freedom imposed and the fright and glee and joy and pain that it granted to us.

I am here in hindsight looking at my choices - at what I cannot have but want.
At what I have chosen to give in to knowing fully well that it is a one way street - no matter what I said or the brave face I tried to put up - I wasn't ready for what its has done to me and how it ravishes my thoughts. But i wouldn't trade places in the world.

I made my decision and now I face the consequences and yes it hurts like hell - this too shall pass.
As a motivational speaker (Paul McGee) - apply the SUMO principle: Shut Up, Move On.

My heart is heavy with this perceived loss and it suddenly is like going back to what I have always felt previously: Lonely.
I will probably keep a memory of this moment and probably laugh at my reactions at a later date yet unspecified but i wouldn't trade places and I wouldn't undo anything that had happened. I can scoff at my small and petty antics now and yet I cannot disregard the gift to have felt this way for this person.
There's this invisible load that weighs heavily upon me and now the weight leaves me feeling bereft, like I've lost the one thing I value the most.

Without this feeling of loss - I will/would not appreciate the gift I have received or the blessings that have come my way - without it, I will not be a better man - a better person.

I cannot trade places and would not change any choices I have freely made. I have opened up the hedge and now it is broken - I will feel the pain of every invasion like salt on a raw wound.

Oh how i cherish this pain...
When i was still carrying weights, I looked forward to the pain and aches - they where an indication that I was shaping my body and it was protesting but it would obey - it had no choice - the pain was an indication of change taking place underneath and i used  to revel in this pain. It was an indication of success.

I have been hit but by GOD, how i love this pain and raw feelings that coarse through me - what better indication that I'm alive?

What better lessons can I ask for?

I want my friend

I've been left on the road for dead - my travel partner has suddenly decided that travelling with me could be more dangerous than initially anticipated. Perhaps there is a smattering of truth to this thought process.

I've had the typical withdrawal symptoms - the craving for company and other other means of communication that just vanished just like that - one moment we're tight as skin the next: it just stopped.

I think I might know the reason but I doubt it very much. I might just know some of it - some very small insignificant portion of the reason.

Looking back now - I guess I should come to expect that such things happen and often serve a purpose.

Personally - I've always wanted to break away from the mold of rules and regulations and to become perhaps a maverick of sorts.

I thought I had found someone to accompany me on this journey of self discovery - i think I must have pushed too hard and caused doubts to surface - exposed this party to danger.

I'm at that point where I'm left guessing at the "what-If's" - if i didn't do this would that happen?

I shouldn't have done... I should have done this instead...

Regardless of the consequences - I want my friend.

Time curreny & investment

its a new decade...

we're here. Now and irrevocably in the present.

the past is done with - we are all advised to learn the lessons taught, extract the nuggets of wisdom from our mistakes and move on. There is no reclaimed moment. There is only here and now.

This very moment.

I got a very enlightening email with regards to the greatest investment for most human beings everyday: 86,400. unbelievably this amount was a constant for us all, except we were already dead.

We are allowed to spend it any way we say fit and invest it in endeavours that would reap multiple gains now or in the immediate future. For as long as we live, this investment in nearly constant except you expire before (note the use of the word) before the day ends.

This investment is the time available to us in one day!

That is available to any human who is alive and who will NOT perish before the end of that day.

the investment amount is time and it equates to: 24 * 60 * 60

We are allowed to spend it anyway we can but we cannot retrieve any of this once spend and once the day ends any under-utilized or used portion is taken away.

there are no do overs with this investment vehicle.

the bottom line is to make the best of this in all and anyway that we can.

No day must be spent without some form of self improvement to self and others around you. No time must be wasted without learning more about your innate talents and you.

there is no refund and there is no rewind.

make the best use of today as you possibly can.

Last day of the decade

We have come upon one of those rare times in a human's life time. It is rare because we don't witness the regularly and yet in this seeming ordinariness of our lives we are made to understand the significance of the little and small things that truly make life worth it.

I went to bed yesterday with a heavy heart. Something in me rebelled to impart my pain in such a way as I felt it to the supposed cause... I was tempted to respond via the vast electronic ether of the mobile fone but i decided that my current state of mind would not communicate objectively...

I have since come to learn a few lessons:

You control the ability to be happy or unhappy by what you allow to affect you.
Nobody influences you unless you allow them to do so
Don't put your fate or feelings into the hands of another unless you believe they have earned that right.
Never forget the power of an apology.
To fear is to limit yourself to that which assumes power over you.

Of course we can all agree that there is the one saying the words and one acting upon them.
With these parting words for 2009 - I wish you all the best with sincerity.

Welcome 2010 with open arms and better expectations for yourself.

Against the ropes - Breathe easy...

Doing some time away from home.
Not for bad behavior or anything - the tenets of work require that I go and utilize my expertise in a setup and deployment project.

It was fun to get out of NIGERIA for awhile. It was exciting to be a sole traveler (apart from GOD for company) - dispatched to Zambia.

My mother after being told I was going to Zambia kept asking if it was GAMBIA. Of course I said no - "I'm going to ZAMBIA" My colleagues ask if I'm going to NAMIBIA - I equally say: "No, It's ZAMBIA."

Regardless of the inherent confusion - it was fun to get out of the daily grind and dust.

Here we are almost to weeks later and I feel bad that I ill b returning to the cesspit and daily grind.

This trip was my time on the ropes - where I could honestly look at my situation and try to determine the best way to change my circumstances.

Clear thinking moments - about my life. How far I have gone and how much further I have to go towards achieving my dream.

That dream is really simple: Self independence.

I need to seize opportunities - to make a way for myself.

I have been blessed on this trip by meeting friendly people who have shown me so much in so little time - many oppurtunities.

It has been a time spent against the ropes - sizing up the situation and making the relevant changes to strategy. I am forever grateful to GOD for those unspoken moments that seem to characterize this trip.

It is my sincere hope that I will take full advantage of this opportunity and run with the moment - It is my duty to myself, to my beliefs and my aspirations.

I love these moments of self clarity - I crave these moments against the ropes.

Aspire

A single word title: "ASPIRE"
The verb form would have you "ASPIRING" towards a goal or greater objective.

But before we launch off into our typical tirade and practiced rant - I want you to calmly look at this humble word and try to connect to it.

• What does this word mean to you?
• How do you see and treat this concept?
• What and where do you find yourself moving towards?

I aspire to be more than I am (that is almost a given for most of us except those who might have suicidal impulses). I aspire to be effective in what I do, I aspire for excellence in any field of endeavor that I find myself in...
I aspire for fame and fortune, for happiness and content.

However when the accolades in our heads have died down - where are we along the ladder of our aspirations? Are we really aspiring to move and propel ourselves towards a greater good?

What are those dreams that propel you? Do you even know?
The better question for me would be what my dreams and "Aspirations" (another use of aspire) are worth? Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder and my eyes have beheld the grand place held for me should my aspirations be achieved.

We are all success stories waiting to be written and even if our "books" read like a testament of hardship (the human animal detests pain and suffering) the lessons learned are worth the investment in pain, sweat and blood...

I regret not believing in myself earlier - I regret the lost time spent wishing about better situations but I will not be held back because I arrived at the party "late".

If it comes to that I'll start a party for myself all alone.

When it looks the most like success seems impossible that's when I should stubbornly refuse to yield and focus - aspire and aim towards those goals that drive me...

Reality is after all the here and now and since I control that by my beliefs and what drives me - I control the direction of my fate and life.

We all aspire for success in our chosen endeavors - we all want the inner acknowledgment that comes from deep within particularly when we have attained all or part of our aspirations.

Success has a lot of bedfellows but before it got there it was often a lonely journey.
The deeper and inner conviction that we can is part of the chain of aspiration - that which binds our dreams and goals to our purpose to attain.

Remember that to aspire is to inch towards that which we truly seek - our dedication and commitment and perseverance is required for true success.

Aspire towards that dream.