Christmas and all it entails.
I'm in the office and most of the work force has dissolved into the ethers of the holiday mood. they have mostly left for home and I'm trying to catch up on my writing and provide skeletal support for any issues that may arise.
Tomorrow will be spent indoors after attending a church service and I hope to make myself as happy as i can afford to be. Perhaps a few glasses of red wine and the television.
To those of you out there I say: a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
God Bless you all!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Living my dream
I didn't wake up in a suite in Eko Le' Meridian - I didn't have a view of the ocean front nor see the rise of the sun in brilliant colors to denote the beginning of a new day. Instead, I woke up in a small room somewhere. I was buffeted by my own pool of sweat and the murky odors of a body drenched in its own effervescence.
Was i living my dream?
By a far cry no! But I had started in the right direction with so much ambition and hope. Four years down the line it is pretty easy to say that I have probably lost the thread of discussion.
It wasn't that i had or have given up - it was simply the feeling that time was peeling away from me and i could do little to catch up. Everywhere I look, I am exposed to success stories that show me that others are indeed living their dreams or in the mist of achieving it.
Don't get me wrong - we all see the other sides of the coin everywhere we go. But most don't focus on that side of the coin to begin with. We all want the flashing bulbs and the fame and success that comes with doing living the dream. Do we see the measure of preparation or the toils and suffering that are often hidden from view - these are probably the training fields that most go through during their rites of preparation.
There are so many ideas and dreams that have been nurtured with a full view towards success. Even when one is aware of the requirements and one makes every effort to pay the dues - something utterly unplanned has to materialize and spoil it.
It is not for a lack of trying and yet I have squandered many dreams on the pathway towards my independence. I detest my working environment and my working conditions. I hate the seemingly unplanned and un-coordinated approaches.
I hate the fact that my decisions depend on others and that often times - we are simply following rules that are no longer valid in today's working environment.
I hate that my ideas are squandered and left to die and that I can seem to do nothing to change the outcome.
Where are my failings? What can I do to amend them. Where and how can i improve my situation that I no longer feel like a failure?
I no longer wish to live by the rules of the un-informed.
I wish to live my dreams here and now.
Was i living my dream?
By a far cry no! But I had started in the right direction with so much ambition and hope. Four years down the line it is pretty easy to say that I have probably lost the thread of discussion.
It wasn't that i had or have given up - it was simply the feeling that time was peeling away from me and i could do little to catch up. Everywhere I look, I am exposed to success stories that show me that others are indeed living their dreams or in the mist of achieving it.
Don't get me wrong - we all see the other sides of the coin everywhere we go. But most don't focus on that side of the coin to begin with. We all want the flashing bulbs and the fame and success that comes with doing living the dream. Do we see the measure of preparation or the toils and suffering that are often hidden from view - these are probably the training fields that most go through during their rites of preparation.
There are so many ideas and dreams that have been nurtured with a full view towards success. Even when one is aware of the requirements and one makes every effort to pay the dues - something utterly unplanned has to materialize and spoil it.
It is not for a lack of trying and yet I have squandered many dreams on the pathway towards my independence. I detest my working environment and my working conditions. I hate the seemingly unplanned and un-coordinated approaches.
I hate the fact that my decisions depend on others and that often times - we are simply following rules that are no longer valid in today's working environment.
I hate that my ideas are squandered and left to die and that I can seem to do nothing to change the outcome.
Where are my failings? What can I do to amend them. Where and how can i improve my situation that I no longer feel like a failure?
I no longer wish to live by the rules of the un-informed.
I wish to live my dreams here and now.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Heart is a fragile thing
Wise words or just plain common sense - I would wager that it is plain common sense based on the hard hands of experience. Experience is a teacher that tends to leave a mark during your educational intern-ship.
If you learn your lesson well, you can avoid all such pit falls in the near future that she may have pointed out but if you set yourself up as a slouch, she can be very unforgiving and a punisher of the wrong choices.
We're always victims of ourselves and our emotions - sometimes you are the aggressor and other times, you're the victim. regardless of your role - we all have our turn in the playground.
Don't think that you can guard your heart and don't think that it is a foolish thing to love - where would we be without it? what would we be without it. It is the single purpose that GOD has kept in store for us - to discover the bounties of HIS love given freely and only requiring that we accept willingly. To equally learn to give this gift freely and openly is our sole purpose on earth.
Do i hear a scoff in the background (yeah, Right!)?
Well, I know I can't force the idea on you and it would be meaningless for me to try - I have much better things to do with my time - I will however advice that your skepticism be reviewed.
We live to love - it is a primary function and purpose of our lives and it doesn't matter what we love - it just matters that we loved and that it changed US as well as the object of our vast affections. It provides drive, purpose and a meaning to our existence.
Like everything else in our lives, we have attempted to master this elusive emotion - imposing upon it some sort and measure of control. It was not meant to be controlled or measured. It was meant to be experienced and felt. It is not always pure when we do give in to its lull but at least we can say we felt that sense of freedom imposed and the fright and glee and joy and pain that it granted to us.
I am here in hindsight looking at my choices - at what I cannot have but want.
At what I have chosen to give in to knowing fully well that it is a one way street - no matter what I said or the brave face I tried to put up - I wasn't ready for what its has done to me and how it ravishes my thoughts. But i wouldn't trade places in the world.
I made my decision and now I face the consequences and yes it hurts like hell - this too shall pass.
As a motivational speaker (Paul McGee) - apply the SUMO principle: Shut Up, Move On.
My heart is heavy with this perceived loss and it suddenly is like going back to what I have always felt previously: Lonely.
I will probably keep a memory of this moment and probably laugh at my reactions at a later date yet unspecified but i wouldn't trade places and I wouldn't undo anything that had happened. I can scoff at my small and petty antics now and yet I cannot disregard the gift to have felt this way for this person.
There's this invisible load that weighs heavily upon me and now the weight leaves me feeling bereft, like I've lost the one thing I value the most.
Without this feeling of loss - I will/would not appreciate the gift I have received or the blessings that have come my way - without it, I will not be a better man - a better person.
I cannot trade places and would not change any choices I have freely made. I have opened up the hedge and now it is broken - I will feel the pain of every invasion like salt on a raw wound.
Oh how i cherish this pain...
When i was still carrying weights, I looked forward to the pain and aches - they where an indication that I was shaping my body and it was protesting but it would obey - it had no choice - the pain was an indication of change taking place underneath and i used to revel in this pain. It was an indication of success.
I have been hit but by GOD, how i love this pain and raw feelings that coarse through me - what better indication that I'm alive?
What better lessons can I ask for?
If you learn your lesson well, you can avoid all such pit falls in the near future that she may have pointed out but if you set yourself up as a slouch, she can be very unforgiving and a punisher of the wrong choices.
We're always victims of ourselves and our emotions - sometimes you are the aggressor and other times, you're the victim. regardless of your role - we all have our turn in the playground.
Don't think that you can guard your heart and don't think that it is a foolish thing to love - where would we be without it? what would we be without it. It is the single purpose that GOD has kept in store for us - to discover the bounties of HIS love given freely and only requiring that we accept willingly. To equally learn to give this gift freely and openly is our sole purpose on earth.
Do i hear a scoff in the background (yeah, Right!)?
Well, I know I can't force the idea on you and it would be meaningless for me to try - I have much better things to do with my time - I will however advice that your skepticism be reviewed.
We live to love - it is a primary function and purpose of our lives and it doesn't matter what we love - it just matters that we loved and that it changed US as well as the object of our vast affections. It provides drive, purpose and a meaning to our existence.
Like everything else in our lives, we have attempted to master this elusive emotion - imposing upon it some sort and measure of control. It was not meant to be controlled or measured. It was meant to be experienced and felt. It is not always pure when we do give in to its lull but at least we can say we felt that sense of freedom imposed and the fright and glee and joy and pain that it granted to us.
I am here in hindsight looking at my choices - at what I cannot have but want.
At what I have chosen to give in to knowing fully well that it is a one way street - no matter what I said or the brave face I tried to put up - I wasn't ready for what its has done to me and how it ravishes my thoughts. But i wouldn't trade places in the world.
I made my decision and now I face the consequences and yes it hurts like hell - this too shall pass.
As a motivational speaker (Paul McGee) - apply the SUMO principle: Shut Up, Move On.
My heart is heavy with this perceived loss and it suddenly is like going back to what I have always felt previously: Lonely.
I will probably keep a memory of this moment and probably laugh at my reactions at a later date yet unspecified but i wouldn't trade places and I wouldn't undo anything that had happened. I can scoff at my small and petty antics now and yet I cannot disregard the gift to have felt this way for this person.
There's this invisible load that weighs heavily upon me and now the weight leaves me feeling bereft, like I've lost the one thing I value the most.
Without this feeling of loss - I will/would not appreciate the gift I have received or the blessings that have come my way - without it, I will not be a better man - a better person.
I cannot trade places and would not change any choices I have freely made. I have opened up the hedge and now it is broken - I will feel the pain of every invasion like salt on a raw wound.
Oh how i cherish this pain...
When i was still carrying weights, I looked forward to the pain and aches - they where an indication that I was shaping my body and it was protesting but it would obey - it had no choice - the pain was an indication of change taking place underneath and i used to revel in this pain. It was an indication of success.
I have been hit but by GOD, how i love this pain and raw feelings that coarse through me - what better indication that I'm alive?
What better lessons can I ask for?
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