New year and the looming expectations.

There is something to be said about the coming of a new year. The first set of feelings tends to be optimism and then as the days progress - the old patterns emerge and perhaps it becomes very much business as usual.

Then operative word here is "perhaps" and I use the word here very loosely.

The new year is seem as a fresh start but the actual renewal begins in our hearts and minds. The cautious optimism is not something that should constitute a "one hit wonder" but rather a series of continuous actions with the decided outcome of creating new opportunities and directions in our lives.

Last year was a year filled with learning and other worthwhile chances. This year brings forth consolidation and other benefits but still we are all required to think out of our respective comfort zones and make changes in our methods of execution. Less delays and more action.

We cannot stay the same course and expect different outcomes.

We cannot continue with old patterns and expect new outcomes.

If something has to change it should begin wih us and us alone.

I am thankful to GOD for the many opportunities to learn and for the transformations set to occur.

Only october...

Maybe i should just wait...

There are alot of what-if's... What if I was super-rich? What if I was dirt poor? What if I was a rodent (that particular fantasy always frightened me - because i have been privy to how people treat those that are unfortunately caught)

Anyway - I'm particularly glad that i have survived one full month in the cesspool of employment.
It pays the bills - and then some... But you're left to the mercy of the faceless entity who determines where, whom and why... If the faceless entity could be pinned to a face - you'd have a target for all the bile and frustration that comes with paid employment...

I'm beginning for instance to settle into this stage of "conformance - with norms".
I guess it happens to alot of people out there - it means that pretty soon, after working for two to three years (which zooms by pretty quickly) you start to feel the bug and pressure of age...
Questions abide in your mind (Am I where i should be? Am I successful as compared to my mates? is my family well catered for - for those who are married...)

The list is endless - meanwhile, time is gently inching by - one day you wake up and you have three children, a job that feels stifling, a morgage and a paycheck that barely covers the ink that wrote it...

Imagine despair...

The case reminds me of a tale:

A man went out and drank himself into the bottle...
Stoned and drunk to the extreme - he miraclously stumbled home and fell into bed - on waking up he sees a stange face and asks - who the heck are you?
the reply: I'm your wife!
he ponders the answer and then refrains - I must be having a nightmare and promptly goes back to sleep....

Moral: Reality is hard on the senses...

That said - we're in the last day of the month - 31st October - you may chose to review the month and note what happened, where you went wrong, what you did and didn't do?

We're entering the last lap of the year - novbember is a wind down month and december's just a flag point to indicate that you've survived till the end of the year...

So what else is new?

Seeming Questions of the moment

It is...
Haunting and filled with the burden of my mistakes. Soaked in the nectar of a heaviness that defies words. I am certain it will pass. Like the day and the night before.

I face the guilty but I am as much their accuser as their colleague. For i am the guilty as well as the victim. I question my sense of worth because i am focused on it being acknowledged externally - when internally i cannot accept myself.

I question my decisions and perhaps in the light of my mood - it too will pass.
The sense pervades my being that i have been stumbling from one mistake to another - a victim of other's interference but really my choice and actions.

The fact that i depend on others is considered my one undoing. For how can i control the outcome if I am always seemingly unconcerned on one hand or paranoid in my worry on the other.

How can i truly reach the zenith of my development and evolution if I fear the shadows or the depth of despair that I could sink to? How can I truly know?

I feel a vulnerability that places me squarely in the driver's seat. I sense that underneath the struggles lies a frightened boy.

There is really no other way but to face these challenges and see them to their logical end.

When people twist words to suit their needs - to divert their guilty they point fingers in the wrong direction. They paint colors that are not true on the canvas of opportunity.

....